Gratitute

Before I start the true reason behind this post, I'll update you on this week.  I recently posted on Tuesday that I was feeling fabulous... how quickly that can change.  I started feeling a little yucky on Wednesday, it got worse on Thursday, and by Friday I just gave into it.  It's so weird because I know that around those days my white blood count is at it's lowest and I'm supposed to feel tired, but after feeling so good on Tuesday, I didn't want to mentally "give in" and be sick.  I thought, especially since I didn't have a nasty cold this go around, that I'd kick the odds and feel fine.  Are you starting to notice a "pride" theme with me going on - yeah, it's gonna get beat out of me sooner or later.  Anyway, Wednesday I just felt "off" and became short with the kids.  Thursday I actually felt good in the morning and texted a sweet gal that was planning on bringing me dinner that I'd be fine (hmm, pride again).  She texted back and told me it was already in the works and to just accept it (ha ha) and I am SO glad she did because by the end of the day I was kind of a mess.  One of my dearest friends from the neighborhood came over that night and did my dishes and scolded me that I need to just give in, accept help, let myself have the bad days, and rest.  She was right of course, so on Friday (yesterday) I stayed in my sweats most of the day and rested.  It's hard to describe how I'm feeling on those days... I'm not necessarily tired, I try to nap but I can't always force myself to.  I feel more drained or wiped out - physically as well as emotionally.  My poor kids heard me scream and then cry in apology quite a bit over the past couple of days.  Hmmm, funny how I'm feeling exactly how they told me I would - you'd think I'd actually absorb that information, right?!?!  The good news is that I am feeling SO much better today and I think it will only go uphill from here till my next chemo treatment.  

So, on to gratitude... I have been so overwhelmed with this topic that I don't even know where to begin.  I know I will never be able to send thank you notes to everyone or truly express my gratitude but I'm completely inspired to pay it forward more often.  If you have done something for me and I haven't seemed as grateful as I should, please know that my family and I feel so blessed by your service - thank you!!  I have felt love from so many people in so many different ways that it is astounding and I am so inspired by it.  

I've had a couple of people ask me what has been the best thing that people have done for me/given me/said to me because they want to be able to do the same for other friends they know that are going through trials and my short answer is: Anything helps!  I've had people send flowers, cards, text messages, gifts, food... every single expression of love no matter how big or small is completely appreciated.  My visiting teachers have really been proactive in setting up meals and organizing help (and one of them listened to me cry; always helpful).  It's been nice to have them "in charge" of everything.  A lot of people have offered to drive my kids places.  My son's school class recently sent me treats and cards they'd all made and it was so touching.  I've received multiple cards from a mother of one of Matt's high school girlfriends.  She doesn't even know me and it's been 20+ years since Matt has seen her, but she went through cancer a while back and is spreading the love.  If you have a loved one that is going through something similar, and want more concrete ideas, here are the things I received and loved: 

• One of the first "gifts" given to me was by a complete stranger.  My sister posted on her wall that I was going through cancer.  I was reading through the comments and one of her friends asked for my name so she could pray specifically for me.  I totally cried over that one.  I've had many messages that people are thinking of me, praying for me, and putting my name on temple rolls... every positive thought is appreciated.
• A "dammit doll" (it has a saying similar to this one on the link but my stuffed animal was an adorable sock monkey)  to slam around when I'm angry; totally made me laugh.
• Pajamas in a soft knit that button up the front (I only had t-shirts tops that I wore to bed so these jammies were perfect post-surgery when it was hard to move my arms).  Along that same line, I received some comfy and cute "sweat" bottoms to relax in.
• Sweet-tarts, lemon gum.  Normally I'm not a fan, but they were the only thing I felt like eating the day after my first chemo (they say sour things are great for getting the metallic taste out of chemo mouth).
• Tetracaine lollipops, (I didn't even know about these - you can get them from the pharmacy without a prescription and they're good for chemo mouth sores, teething kids, and tonsillectomy patients).  I also liked ginger tea, peppermint tea, and dry-mouth wash.
• One friend gave me a Willow Tree statue; there was a time I remember being down and glancing at that statue reminded me to be courageous.
• One of the things I've been most grateful for is that Matt splurged and got me a housekeeper.  If you know someone going through a health issue that can't fit that into their budget, that may be a gift you can go in on with some friends/neighbors.
• A neighbor texted me and said that she had a family party and they had a ton of soup left over.  Another time, the YM/YW had a dinner and I was brought the leftovers from that as well.  It was such a great way for me to accept a lovely meal and a kind thought without feeling like someone was bending over backward for me.  I've also loved freezer meals for that same reason.  Gosh, this post is really showing how I struggle with pride/being served - sheesh!
• A gal in my ward takes my two youngest every Thursday after school to play with her kids.  Setting up a weekly, set playdate was wonderful!
• I've been given a lot of hats but I appreciate every single one, especially the ones handmade with love and also these these hat liners that I can wear to bed and/or under all my other "cute" hats.
• My ward did an undercover hat/book "shower" for me.  It wasn't in person (that would have been too hard emotionally) but my sweet neighbor organized it and surprised me with a few rounds of gifts. It was fun to see the books and journals others chose, the cute hats and pampering items they picked out, and most importantly to read their words of support and love.
• Comfort items like blankets, fuzzy socks, water bottles, lotion.
• Candy, gum, homemade goodies, and most importantly dinner for the family.

Having given you all these ideas to use if others in your future get a similar diagnosis, don't feel like you need to spend any money to show your love!  Any note of love or gift of service you'll offer them will be truly appreciated!!!

There are a lot of things floating around the Internet and Facebook about the right and wrong things to say to people with cancer (and going through any hardship really) and I want to give a small rebuttal to all the things they say.  I appreciate any well meaning thing shared with me because I know it comes from a place of love and concern and I know anyone who cares for me means well (and I know I've probably also said some stupid, thoughtless stuff in the past).  Does this mean that I haven't heard people say things that I could construe as demeaning, thoughtless or just plain stupid?  Of course not - I can think of a few weirdo things that were done or said!  However, I know that anything my loved ones say to me or offer is an expression of their affection and interest in me and if I as the receiver choose to be offended, that's my problem; I'm choosing to focus on their kind intent.  I've had a lot of people that when talking to me about problems say, "I'm sorry, that's nothing compared to what you're going through" or they'll say "I'm sorry I'm talking about myself when you're going through this."  BUT it isn't 'nothing' because we are all dealing with problems in life and I don't want to talk about me nonstop - I want to live my life and hear about you and your struggles too!  It's OK to talk about those things with me!!  Maybe this is just how I feel, and maybe you should listen to those FB posts about what not to say to someone in a trial (it's always good to improve your etiquette) but also remember that when you truly love and care about someone and try to show it, they'll know your heart. :)