The Rollercoaster and The Expansion!

Today and yesterday were fabulous (physical) days for me!!  I'm feeling strong and have the urge to complete everything on my to-do list, however, that is causing it's own issues.  I spent the day yesterday busting out all the laundry, trying to get the house in order, and cheering on Bradley in hockey.  (The Davis High hockey team made it to the playoffs - last year they lost every game, so this was a big deal!)  I was gung-ho all day long and you can see where this is heading, right?  Yes, I crashed that night!  It didn't help matters that my 3 younger kids were calling nonstop while I was at the game, so much so that I needed to call my sweet neighbor to walk over and check on things, sheesh!)  Anyway, I got home feeling deflated.  I was not only tired, but embarrassed (calling the neighbor to make sure my kids weren't killing each other was the worst, but the cherry on top was that a sweet friend dropped off dinner while I was out and my kids couldn't remember who it was so now I can't thank them.  Seriously, I swear 2 of my 4 kids have that disorder where you can't remember names and/or faces, but that's a whole other story).  I also (stupidly) started browsing the internet about more cancer info while I was laying in bed and freaked myself out, I started stressing about our insurance, and then it all snowballed to me crying about everything under the sun and getting mad at poor Matt for who knows what.  Why do I do this?!?!  Just go to sleep!!!  I am having a rough time getting used to this roller coaster.  It's so weird to try to constantly balance my physical, mental and emotional self, knowing that in the next day or two I'll supposedly be feeling crappy again.  This is definitely a good learning experience for me in so many ways... I'm having a hard time succinclty putting my feelings into words on the page, I wish I could express myself as well as Lauren does with her writing but it's much easier for me to jabber on about the silly details.  So, having said that, here is the run down on the silly details of my latest doctor appointment:

Matt and I went to a plastic surgery appointment today.  This is my plastic surgeon Dr. R whom I love (it's a legitimate diagnosis to have a crush on your doctor, right Cassie?! - totally kidding - inside joke) and his cute nurse Tobi.  They are so much fun and Matt and I are really starting to enjoy going to these appointments... we think in a non-cancer environment we'd have a lot of fun going to dinner or hanging out with these guys.  These visits are so different from the ones with my other doctors and it's so nice to have some lighthearted, fun things mixed in with the serious.

The reason for my visit to Dr. R today was to get more fluid put in my expanders.  The fluid is added slowly so that your skin and muscles have time to stretch and heal (remember, the expanders were placed under the muscle).  The expanders feel hard and are kind of uncomfortable - I can't sleep on my side very well, I'm still working on my posture, and the shape of them is very different than what my permanent implants are going to be so they look kind of weird comparatively.  There isn't any sensation on my skin because of the nerve damage caused by removing the breast tissue, but my skin in-between the expanders is alternately numb and tingly. I do feel "phantom pain" sometimes - it's a normal, but weird psychological thing where you think you can feel pain at the location of your tumor, even though all that tissue was removed.  Despite all that, it's nice to have a touch of femininity while I'm going through all the other treatments - I think it makes the emotions of the mastectomy easier to handle. 

The filling process was really interesting:  Each one of my expanders has a port on the front that has a bit of metal in it.  The Dr took a magnet to my chest to find out where that port was and marked it with a sharpie.  He then cleaned the area, stuck a needle into the port, and injected the fluid inside.  It didn't hurt, but it was uncomfortable to feel the skin and muscle stretch.  He only put about 50 ml in (which is about 4 Tbsp) and we'll add or take away fluid every few weeks till we get to where I feel comfortable.  I guess that's one benefit of having reconstruction as opposed to regular implants - I can "try before I buy" and figure out what size I what to be!  When I get radiation, they may have to drain the expanders a lot so they can angle the beams for the best possible results, but then my skin and muscles will already have the stretching done.  Radiation can be a doozy on your skin so it can be a lot harder and/or impossible to stretch it afterwards (in fact, skin grafts will be a definite possibility at that time).  Anyway, easy appointment today and I'm feeling good.  Let me know if you have any questions about my treatment that I'm forgetting to answer... I'm obviously not shy about sharing. ;-)